Think back to the last time someone you didn't want to see tried to hang out with you. Maybe it was that annoying guy at work. Maybe it was your black-sheep brother-in-law. Maybe it was a blind date when your mother tried to set you up with her friend’s daughter. Think of that awkward situation where you had to turn someone down. Think back to the last time you had to politely come up with excuses to not spend time with somebody. How did it make you feel? You'll certainly feel not good as a resulf of anxiety.
Rejecting
Rejecting people, whether you’re doing it blatantly or indirectly is actually an awkward and uncomfortable situation that nobody enjoys. Extremely few people in this world enjoy being an ass-hole or hurting someone else’s feelings.
Now imagine having to do this on an almost weekly basis. There’s nothing gratifying about it, in fact, it becomes frustrating and tedious. It also explains why women seem to complain about guys hitting on them or about guys being creepy — they have to reject them, and rejecting someone is generally an unpleasant or uncomfortable experience.
Men's misconceptions on women
Men who have the perception of women as these egocentric creatures who laugh at us from their sexual mountaintops, doling out which man gets the divine pussy access and which man gets to squander away his time in solitude — it doesn’t work like that.
Think about it. Why do women spend so much time and effort on their appearance? Why do they go to singles’ bars and join dating sites and give blind dates a try? They don’t do it so that they can revel in rejecting a bunch of guys. They’re just as lonely and frustrated as we are. They want to meet a man. But not just any man, a great man — a man who is confident, charming, fun, and interesting. A man who is non-needy, who is vulnerable, and who will honestly express himself to her.
She wants you to be that man. She’s secretly rooting for you. She doesn't want to reject you. Every time a new man walks up to her, she’s secretly saying to herself, “Please, please, please be the man. Be the attractive man that I can’t say no to.” And then he nervously stutters around buying her a drink and makes uncomfortable jokes about the weather and she's back to that horribly uncomfortable position of having to reject him again.
Men's proper action really matters
Other times it doesn’t even get that far. It’s obvious before he even opens his mouth that it's game over. He's dressed like a clown or hasn’t combed his hair in three months, or he’s too drunk to even look at her directly.
This is also why women are willing to overlook a lot of bone-head moves and mistakes we make if they like us. It’s amazing how many second and third chances a woman will give you if she likes you. She's rooting for you. She's your biggest fan. She’s saying, he chickened out on asking me out this time, but I’ll find an excuse to call him so maybe he’ll do it next time.” They’re begging for you to succeed. They want it just as bad as you do. That women at the party, in the coffee shop, on the dating site, they want you to be that unbelievably attractive man, that man who makes time stop for them and can make them feel things they’ve never felt before. They want you to be that. And when they reject you, it’s not because they enjoy it, or because they have a big or because you’re too short or your muscles aren’t big enough."
It’s because you didn't give her that feeling. You didn't make her spin and fall and laugh and forget where she was or who she was with. That’s what she goes out looking for: the man who can make her feel more alive.
The next time you make your move, when she sees you coming , she usually sees you coming — know that she’s already rooting for you. Secretly, she wants you to succeed as much as you do. And for a moment, she’s your biggest fan.
And your role as a man is to take action. It’s all on you. It's always on you. You move things forward.
And this is where the vast majority of men falter. An action as simple as opening your mouth, moving your feet in the right direction, or picking up the phone — they simply don’t do it. The fear and rationalizations mentioned in the previous chapter are too large. It feels too overwhelming. And nothing gets done.
And ultimately, no matter how much you read, how much you study, how much you watch about dating and attracting women, if you're unable to take action, you will get nowhere.
In fact, sometimes men use reading and hoarding information and advice as a way to avoid taking action. They feel like if they’re reading a 150-page book on attraction, then they’re accomplishing something right? And as long as they’re accomplishing something, then they don’t have to confront what they’re afraid of: going out and standing in front of a woman and expressing their truth, being vulnerable, subjecting themselves to rejection.
This isn’t a new problem. The self-help and business advice industries have been dealing with it for decades. The men's dating advice industry has been dealing with it as well. But up until this point, it’s done a piss-poor job of motivating men and helping to teach them how to take action.
The classic advice when it comes to taking action is more or less to jump into the deep end until you learn to swim.
The idea was that if you had a crippling fear of approaching women, then you sign up for a “boot camp” or program where a coach takes you out to a bar and more or less yells at you until you approach 25 women in one night. What you say and what happens is all over the place, but at least you're getting off your ass and doing something.
The problem with the overload method of taking action is that it's short-term and doesn't create a lasting habit. There’s a simpler and less stressful method for achieving long-term results over your anxieties.
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