The number one fear deferring men from openly expressing their sexual desires towards women is a fear of being perceived as “creepy”.
Before we jump into what creepiness is exactly, and what women mean when they complain about it, I need to give the same type of painful-truth serum I gave for rejection:
There’s no such thing as a man who is adored by women who isn’t also creepy some of the time.
The fact of life is that if you are a man who expresses his sexuality freely (and you should), some women, some of the time, are going to find you creepy. It’s simply unavoidable. No matter how cool, rich, good-looking and charming you are, at some point, somewhere a woman is going to be creeped out by you. Live with it.
So as a wise friend of mine sometimes says, “Give yourself permission to be creepy.” Don’t try to be creepy. And definitely don’t walk around looking to intimidate women. Simply accept that sometimes, miscommunications happen, awkward situations occur, and things get misconstrued. Such is life. As long as you’re respectful in how you express yourself, there should never be a serious problem.
There’s no other way. And look, it’s not the end of the world. There’s no Creepy Police who come and handcuff you and throw you in Creep prison where you’ll wait for you court date where you’re charged for being creepy in the third degree.
Creepiness is one of these vague concepts that everyone knows, but no one can really put into words. If you ask women what creepiness is, they’ll give you roundabout answers and inevitably fall into examples of creepiness rather than an actual definition.
Of course, their examples are all over the map and seem to have absolutely no rhyme or reason to them.
So, at the risk of sounding like a creep, allow me throw my hat in the ring and actually give a concrete definition for the phenomenon:
Creepiness is behaving in a way that makes a woman feel insecure sexually.
The further you get out of line with your intentions, the more distrustful she will be of your actions and words. And the more distrustful she is, the more insecure she will feel and the creepier you become. For instance, if you approach a woman and stand there and talk about the weather, but you’re staring at her rack the whole time while licking your lips, then you will come across as creepy. Your actions and words are completely out of line with your intentions and she can see that.
Even if you tell her honestly, “You have great tits,” you will be creepy. Not for lack of intention, but because she doesn’t know you and most women are not comfortable being sexual around men they don’t know. Trust takes time. She has to see that your actions line up with your intentions before she can feel comfortable exposing herself to you and making herself vulnerable.
Women have a lot more to lose from expressing their sexuality than men do. They make babies. We don’t. They get raped and/or sexually assaulted at a startlingly high rate. We don’t. They have five thousands years of sexist cultural history making them feel like a slut. We don’t.
The second you make them feel uncomfortable sexually is the second you become a creep and the second she’s finding an excuse to get away from as fast as she can.
This is why vulnerability is so huge. When you’re vulnerable around someone you don’t know, it elicits trust in them and they will become more vulnerable toward you in return. The more vulnerable a woman is willing to be around you, the less likely you will be to creep her out.
Caveat 1: Vulnerability is still subject to the right intentions. If you tell a girl a sob story for no other reason than to get her to feel sorry for you and sleep with you, then guess what, you’re still creepy!
Caveat 2: Sex can be viewed as the ultimate act of vulnerability for a woman. The more vulnerable you make yourself around her — by leading, by sharing your intentions, by being honest — the more she will trust you and become vulnerable in return. Sex is a side effect of that mutual vulnerability.
Paradoxically, the way to interact with women in a vulnerable way, and therefore, the way to combat creepiness, is to accept that some women will fin you creepy some of the time. Just as with rejection, the more you’re willing to risk it, the less it will happen.
The more comfortable you are with women finding you creepy, and the more uninhibited and vulnerable your actions and words are around women, and the more aware and respectful you are of their interests and desires, the less likely they will be to find you creepy. The more reserved and closed up you are about your intentions, the more you attempt to manipulate her and mislead her about what you want and who you are, the more you disregard her feelings and actions toward you, the more likely you are to become creepy.
Obviously, there are technical aspects of communication that affect this as well. Bad body language, strange conversation topics, uncalibrated humor, inappropriate touching — these things can all make you creepy even with the best of intentions. This is why I say that at some point you have to accept that you’re going to creep some women out and that’s OK. Because the alternative is to hide your sexuality and hope a woman comes to you — and well, we all know how well that works out.
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