Creating threads of conversation through statement is far more powerful than questions. This is because it assumes rapport and instantly makes conversations more personally.
For instance, if you’ve been talking to a woman at a bar for a few minutes, saying, “I love olives in my drink. When I was a kid used to eat them straight out of the jar,” is far more interesting than, “Do you like olives in your drink?” and waiting for her response. In fact, that question is just plain weired. But that statement is interesting, and what many women would consider “cute.”
Instead of incessant questioning, you want to develop a skill called cold reading. Cold reading is a skill where you’re able to intuitively “know” something about someone else without actually knowing it.
It’s like being a psychic without the cheesiness.
For our purposes, cold reading is just a ways of creating interesting statements rather than asking questions for information. You don’t ask the questions you want to know, but instead, you make a mild prediction.
Instead of asking her a question about herself, you guess the answer to your question and then state it. Here are some examples:
“where are you from?” translates to: “You look like a California girl.”
“What do you do for work?” translates to “You seem to be a creative person. I bet your job is interesting.”
“How do you guys know each other?” translates to: You guys look like you’ve been friends for a long time.”
In each situation, the statement makes an educated guess and engages the woman far more than any question will. Instead of asking her about herself, you’re telling her about herself. The only thing people love more than talking about themselves is hearing about themselves. But what if you’re wrong?
That’s the best part! A lot of guys worry about cold reading because they’re afraid to state something incorrect. This is where human nature works in our favor.
There’s no failing with cold reading. With every cold read, one of three things will happen:
1. You’ll be wrong, and she’ll be correct.
2. You’ll be wrong, and she’ll ask what made you think that.
3. You’ll be right, and she’ll freak out at how perceptive you are.
In the first result, she’ll basically just answer the question you based your cold read on and forget that you were wrong.
In the second result, yo’ll be wrong, but she’ll be so intrigued by your guess, that she’ll create a deeper conversation thread about what you observed about her. Later in the chapter, we’ll talk about the importance of creating the deepest threads possible.
In the third result, the few times you get the cold read correct, she will most likely be surprised at how perceptive you are about her. This will generate a tidal wave of rapport immediately and impress her at the same time.
Here are examples of a cold read situation with all three different responses:
Me: “You look a bit bookish. You must be a student around here.”
Her: “No, I’m not. But I do love to read, though.”
Me: “You look a bit bookish. You must be a student around here.”
Her: “No. What made you think that? Is it my glasses? I just got them.”
Me: “You look a bit bookish. You must be a student around here.”
You should cold read as much as possible. Any time you’re asking a question that requires a factual answer, take a stab at the answer instead of asking.
One night, I met a girl from Chicago. I took a blind guess at which University she went to and was right. She couldn’t get over “how perspective” I was for a good five minutes. She asked me how I knew and I told her I could tell she was on the intellectual side although I figured she probably moved because the school was located in a bad part of the city. Everything was dead-on despite being educated guesses. From that point on, she engaged me completely in conversation and awas more than excited to hang out with me again.
Besides that, creating conversations out of statements protects you from what I call “blanking.” You know when you are talking to a woman and all the sudden the conversation dies and you have no idea what to say? You’re sitting there awkwardly and the more uncomfortable you feel, the harder it is to come up with something. Eventually, you blurt out something boring like, “So...where do you live?”
Using statements can prevent this a great deal. Instead of fishing for a new conversation based on a generic question, you can simply comment about something or observe something. Never underestimate the power of non-sequiturs.
“I’m thinking about quitting drinking.” “A car almost hit me on the way here tonight.” “My roomate eats peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches. It’s disgusting.” “I’ve always wanted to visit Africa.”
These will sometimes come across as random. But that’s because they are — they’re whatever thoughts are propping into your head at the moment. It’s better to be random and interesting than predictable and boring. Don’t be afraid to just blurt something out.
This works because unlike questions, statements require no investment from the other person. You can say whatever you want and there’s no implicit expectation for her to generate conversation as well.
Speaking in statements in this fashion — to generate spontaneous conversation — is important in that it forces you to share yourself with her. When you simply ask a girl questions, you aren’t giving any information about yourself, so it’s harder for her to trust you or build rapport. But if you simply state a fact about yourself and then talk about it, you are now sharing yourself and giving her a chance to chime in with her imput as well.
The amazing thing about speaking in statements is if you do it correctly, she will start asking you questions. This may not seem like a big deal, but it actually reorients the entire interaction. As I mentioned earlier, whoever is asking the questions is sub-communicating a desire to learn more about the other, i.e. interest, i.e., they’re attracted to them. If she is constantly seeking information from you, you know have the power to control the interaction — you control the information and the conversation.
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