"Single moms can find love again. There is evidence of this truth everywhere. You just must look for it and be open to it”—Honoree Corder
“It’s time. I’m ready!”
Have you said these words to yourself, specifically about getting back “on the market?” As a single, it may seem an impossible task to get back into the dating scene. Since you’re reading this book, I’m going to guess you’re ready or at least thinking you're ready to take the plunge, to open up your heart again, and to take a risk on love.
Maybe what you've said is , “No thanks! I’ve had enough of men.”
I can resonate with this sentiment, too. I couldn't seem to find a decent, honorable, and/or faithful man anywhere, so after a few years of unsuccessful and stressful dating, I took a break. That break lasted more than three years.
I didn't seek dating advice from any known love and relationship experts after my separation and divorce. My initial confidants were armchair therapists, divorced themselves, who had navigated the divorce and dating process. They had their own thoughts on what I could and should do next.
As I wrote in The Successful Single Mom, before I was divorced, I went to see a therapist immediately to seek help with my marriage. When my ex wouldn’t participate, that therapy turned into a process to help me heal my childhood wounds, understand why I chose the husband I chose, and navigate the trauma of divorce and life after divorce.
While I’m not a therapist, matchmaker, or even expert of human behavior, I am, as an executive coach, a student of human behavior and what works. It seemed to me that if I could figure out how to run a computer program, learn a language, teach myself sales and marketing skills and procedures, and identify personality types, that I could read or listen to the relationship experts and figure out how to find the perfect mate for me.
I knew from therapy that I needed to work on myself and spend some time healing before I could be emotionally available to someone else. Logically, I knew that my daughter, business, and myself needed all of my energy. Emotionally, I wanted someone to love me, cheer me on, support my dreams and goals, and be a partner in raising my daughter.
A tall order; for sure! I wanted the formula, path, and method that would have all of those wants fall into place easily and effortlessly. Don’t we all? I did find what worked for me, and it only took about a million times longer than I wanted. It will probably take longer than you also want it to take.
Because I’ve now been happily married for exactly four years to a wonderful man (by anyone’S standards), the question I get most often from single mom is: How did you find him?"
Well, I’ll tell you. After making all of the most common dating mistakes women make, I decided to be completely single so I could work on myself. I clearly wasn’t attracting the type of man I said I wanted. The common denominator in my lack-of-love life was, unfortunately, me. In conjunction with this break from the opposite sex, I began to read, listen to, and study the advice of the experts. (You can find them listed in the Resources Section.)
I learned that the challenges I was facing were common to a lot of other women. I learned how our biology dictates what we do, when we do it, and how we do it. I also learned that my personal biology, designed for the cave woman I wasn’t (the cave woman who was unable to speak, yet demanded I make certain moves), wasn't doing me any favors. I also uncovered how to develop the courage to identify and speak the truth about what I wanted and didn’t want in a partner. And I learned to speak that truth to the men I was dating even before I started dating them. A counter-intuitive concept, for sure, but one that really works.
As a coach and strategist, these strategies made complete sense to me. As a woman, I was uncomfortable with executing them at first. But once the pragmatist in me realized I could save time, money, and energy, I was all in. Let's face it: as single moms, we have a long list of to do’s that never quite gets finished. So to add on "dating”, which, in and of itseif, takes time and money, sounds great in theory, but the execution is challenging.
As for me, I was already madly in love with someone: my daughter. After awhile, I couldn’t justify paying someone to spend time with her or to have her go make small talk with someone I didN’t know in order to see if we might be compatible. It was too much, my period of non-dating and focusing on just my daughter, myself, and my career began.
Are You Really Ready?
I believe you are truly ready to begin the search for a new, amazing, and mutually beneficial relationship when a few boxes have been checked:
•You are truly, absolutely, 100% single.
•You’ve been single for two years.
•You are emotionally neutral about your ex. Being neutral will have required some work on your part, which we will discuss in detail shortly.
•You are willing to commit to the process of finding the person who is perfect for you, no matter how long it takes, and not settling for less than you deserve in the meantime.
I define single as "divorce papers finalized”, or “living on your own, in your own place, paid for by you (or at least with money that is yours),”
Until then, the scars left behind by the trauma of being in a relationship that didn't work as planned, and one that produced children, can and will inhibit your ability to love yourself and to trust and love someone else fully.
Think of finding a new love in this way: it is impossible to b uy a new wardrobe, bring it home, and put it in a closet that’s already full. You must first get rid of what you do not want in order to make room for what you do want. So, as long as your ex occupies the important real estate contained in your heart and mind, it won' t be possible for an authentic new love to blossom fully.
Finding love as a single mom is unique.
Your next choice in a partner is one you must consider carefully—not only because of how you are impacted, but also because there are other hearts at stake, those of your children. Making the "wrong" choice can cause them heatbreak and unnecessary drama and trauma as well.
The idea of making the wrong choice again was one the deciding factors when I chose to take myself off the market. I wanted to work on myself until I was attracting someone who would be amazing to me, my life and my daughter’s life.
You owe it to yourself and your kids to make an intelligent and carefully thought out choice, because you are literally the model of what they will recreate as adults. If your relationship is the one you’d be happy to see your son or daughter have someday, then you’re on the right track.
I ask you: are you attracting what you want? Is the man in your life, if you have one, what you have said you truly want? Do you want the same things? Is he, in some way, a replica of a past relationship or relationships that haven't worked out as well as you would have liked?
If so, I've outlined a simple and effective plan for getting you in the right place to find new love and given you the tools for making the process as effortless as possible. I'm not saying your search will be quick and easy; however, I can assure you it will be simpler and faster if you integrate some of the tried-and-true strategies I’m about to share.
If you are truly ready, then read on!
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