Any couple who claims they never fight are obviously lying. The deeper you are involved in someone's life, the higher are the chances of everything they say or do affecting you. This may not always be pleasant. There are two individuals involved here. Two different people with their own set of ideas, beliefs, priority, personality, disposition, mood, health issues and so much more. It can't always be in tandem, however much you want it to be. Differences naturally crop up in a relationship. Much as you would want a smooth sailing throughout, the waters are bound to be choppy at times.
One of the most important questions to ask yourself before committing to a relationship is if you can handle the inevitable fights with this person? Do not live in a rose tinted world and believe it will be all rainbow and sunshine in your backyard? That you will never have any differences and conflicts in your relationship? Rather, brace up for the eventuality that fights will happen and whether you can handle fighting with the person without losing your sanity and self-worth.
When was the last time the two of you fought? Did they go on a name-calling blitzkrieg? Did they keep it fair and relevant? Did they bring up past issues or metaphorically hit below the belt? Here’s a handy checklist that will help you determine if you can handle fighting with your partner?
Do They Always End Up Bringing Issues In Public?
How does your partner behave when they are displeased about something in public? Do they express their displeasure right there, irrespective of the setting and people who are witness to it? Or do they wait until a more appropriate time to bring their grievances to your notice? Have they constantly put you in an embarrassing position by making your differences public?
These problems and awkward situations may only escalate in future, if they can’t hold a conversation until you reach home, they may most likely not be the ones you can have a fair fight with going forward.
Do They Fight To Simply Hurt You?
The ego doesn't understand sensible and rational battles. It only understands a war to kill. Is their ego so fragile that even if it is slightly hurt, they go all out to kill your sense of self-respect with their hurtful comments? Some people take great pleasure in hitting below the belt during fights, which is grossly unfair, selfish and immature.
For instance, you may have confessed to them about how you once cheated on your former lover with an attractive person you met at work. This may have been years ago and you admit it was a huge mistake. You have made it clear that you have never cheated on anyone since then because you realized you jeopardized a serious relationship for some short-lived fun.
Now, imagine your shock and horror when you made this confession to your partner in confidence only to have them start calling you uncharitable names targeting your character whenever you have a fight. Names solely based on this well-meaning confession. Is it fair to you? When you invest your emotional faith in someone, is it fair for them to use words that can permanently shatter you? Is your partner someone who fights only to hurt and demoralize you or do they fight because they genuinely want issues to be resolved?
Let us take the above example again to illustrate the difference between the two. If you have confessed to your partner about cheating on a former partner years ago, they may feel insecure or even doubt your association with friends from the opposite gender. Someone who is doubtful but wants to resolve issues may talk to you rather than fling accusatory remarks your way, while someone who simply wants to hurt you will waste no time in calling you names.
You can easily tell when a person wants to genuinely resolve issues and evoke peace, and when they simply want to hurt you by hitting below the belt. While the former is characterized by sane arguments, intelligent discussions and possible solutions, the later is full of name calling, raking up past issues and generally getting personal including bringing in people like family and friends who have nothing to do with the feud. So something like, “Oh! Didn’t your parent’s marriage end because your father cheated on your mother? I should have known you come from a lineage of habitual liars.” Is this fair for you? Definitely not. You well-intentioned confession, your personal character, your family, everything is being attacked with the sole objective of hurting you and making you feel miserable about yourself. Compare this with a person who is looking for resolution. They are more likely to say something like This has been bothering me and I hate that its coming between us so we should talk about it and finish it.
Can you handle fighting with a person who fights unfairly and gets personal at the drop of a hat? Again, there is no right or wrong answer. It is something that you have to decide yourself keeping in mind your unique sensibilities, personality, beliefs and more.
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