“Do all things with love.”-Plato
If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to keep getting what you’ve always gotten.
That’s great if what you’ve been getting has been fantastic, and you want more of it. But if you’re reading this book, then you probably have at least one undesirable relationship in your past, you're single, and you want something better for yourself.
Fair enough.
The first step toward finding love is to look back into your past and do a review of the significant relationships you’ve already had. Moving forward happens much more easily when you have obtained the clarity that can only come from looking into the past. While the past does not equal the future—thank goodness!—we can learn about ourselves by taking the time to do a relationship review. With that, we learn determining factors in the decisions we make, and take, in the future.
Being cautious and insightful works both ways. If our pasts have been particularly hurtful and painful, we can be, will be, and should be more cautious in our future actions. On the contrary, sometimes what has happened to us in our past can inspire us to be bolder or more carefree in our decisions. Every significant male in your life, including your grandfather, uncles, father, brothers, classmates, neighbors, first love, ex-husband, ex-boyfriends, teachers, and bosses, have impacted you in some way. Truly, each of the characters of our lives, male or female, have influenced how we respond or react to future situations.
As outlined in The Successful Single Mom, one way to prevent repeating mistakes (which I finally determined to do after making so many) is to complete a Lessons Learned List. This list, when you make one for each significant relationship, can reveal patterns and repeat choices, both the good and not so good, you have historically made.
Here's an excerpt from that book：
After I had repeated the same pattern of attracting basically the same guy over and over (different name, different phone number, different address... same frustrating, disrespectful behavior), I decided it might be a good idea to see if I could identify the lessons I wasn't getting. If I could identify them, I might be able to “get” them, which would allow me to get something better and different in my relationships.
Here is one of my Lessons Learned List courtesy of a tumultuous relationship Vicky (a single mom who participated in the Single Mom Transformation Program I held to write The Successful Single Mom) had a few years ago：
•It's important not to force anything - ever.
•My relationships should (must! will!) be mutually beneficial, loving, etc. -give and expect to receive, too.
•I will follow my intuition; it always serves me.
•I will notice the signs - not ignore them - because I don't want to see them.
•I will keep my son out of the equation until I’m sure he's going to be around for the long haul.
•Take it slow
•A mutually-beneficial relationship requires me to be a whole person with another whole person, and....
•...It thould be fun and fabulous with lots of giggling, laughing, and fantastic sex.
Through this process, Vicky learned some really interesting things about herself and what she tended to do and allow to have happen in her relationships. Once she saw her patterns in black and white, the “a-ha!” moments were quick and gave almost instant clarity. There was no denying she needed to raise her standards and give herself some new guidlines for future relationships and her behavior in connection with them.
There is no right or wrong way to write your list. Set aside at least twenty minutes to connect with the lessons you were meant to learn and the blessings that will result in your life because you have taken them to heart.
Take a minute to create Your Lessons Learned List (now).
Based on your lessons learned, you can now journal about how you would like to behave in the future, how you would like your partner to behave, and what you just won’t allow to happen again. This is also known as loving yourself, which in turn sets a fantastic example for the little person or people who watch your every move.
One of the things I realized from doing this exercise was that I generally wanted something different from the men I was dating. Have you ever noticed that there seems to be a dance women have to do around what they truly want? I did that exhausting, non-productive dance too many times. Only when I took the time to think about what I truly and honestly wanted, and knew that I was open to creating a new result, I was able to do just that.
I also had a lot of personal culpability I needed and wanted to resolve. While I had pretty much decided I wanted a divorce, it was nearly a year before my ex-husband announced he was moving out and wanted a divorce. I made all kinds of excuses to myself about why it wasn’t the right time. He was stressed at work, so that was why we weren’t getting along; I had to stay for our daughter, and the list goes on. It is a critical step to analyze why we’ve made the decisions we’ve made, attempt to understand them, and make conscious choices for the future. In order to cleanly move forward, your Lessons Learned List can, and most definitely should include what you’ve learned about you, the choices you make, and the reactions you have. From those distinctions, you can choose what you want to be different in the future.
I don’t believe either party is 100% responsible for the beginning, middle, or end of a relationship. What I do believe is that if I, as a part of the relationship, took 100% of the responsibility, I left no open door into beliefs or conversations on which I could place blame. Then, and only then, was there no victim. I could only say, “I chose him," “I chose the relationship,” or I made the decision to stay." Then I can also say, “I can choose something better, and I’m going to choose something better in the future.”
But before we can choose to have something new, there’s a very important step to complete first. It’s a step that if you try to skip, you will likely end with your heart broken or; at the very least, hurt again.
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