Relationships are where you attract someone who reveals more of yourself to you, so you’ve got to be ready. For single moms, I believe before you can even be open to finding a true, amazing relationship, you have to take the time to sort through wounds, issues, and anything else that needs addressing and address them. You can heal in several ways, and the first I'm going to recommend is therapy. You can also turn to help from your friends, family and coaches.
Therapy
As moms are known to do, I will do (almost) anything for my daughter. When she started really acting out, one of my close friends recommended his daughter's therapist. When his daughter was five, she was diagnosed with cancer, and she saw the lady, who was to become my daughter's therapist, for the last three years of her life. I reached out, literally out of desperation, because I didn’t have a mother to reach out to. And I didn't have the skills or understanding to help my daughter understand her father, his lack of participation, and his actions.
This woman required two sessions with the parent or parents prior to visiting with any children. Her belief was that if the child was acting out, all fingers pointed to the parents. (Yikes!) Although I wanted to run, I made and kept those first two appointments. I found her advice to be practical and helpful. I was also convinced that the void left by my ex in my daughter's life was, without question, going to affect her negatively later in life. I wanted her to have the tools to comprehend and navigate her confusion, hurt, and anger. I wanted her to have the right tools to deal with those feelings so she didn't (and doesn't) resort to ineffective ways of not dealing with her feelings. I knew I didn't have the ability to help her navigate her feelings or deal effectively with her father.
Almost by accident, her therapist, in a way, also became my therapist. When my daughter’s behavior was confusing or frustrating, I consulted her therapist. In almost every conversation we had, she gave me insight and ways to improve myself, as well as tools to help my parenting or with a particularly challenging situation I wasn't sure how to handle. When I finally began dating again and met my husband, she guided us through the introduction, wedding, discipline, boundaries, living together as a family, and so much more. She did many sessions with just me; just my husband and me, as well as with my daughter. My husband even took the initiative and had sessions with her as well.
This woman single-handedly opened me up to the benefits of having a therapist as a neutral, unemotionally-involved third party. While that’s what I do as a coach, coaching is future-focused with very little attention paid to the past. What I’m trying to say is I highly recommend using the services of a professional in your healing process.
Finding the right therapist in my case was a stroke of luck (or the guidance of the Universe). The search for the right person may take more than a minute and require persistence on your part. Ask friends, family, and coworkers for recommendations. If you have a family practice or divorce attorney, very often he or she has awesome resources and can point you in the right direction. Ask your priest, preacher, or rabbi or even the guidance counselor at your kids’ schools. When you find the right person, you’ll know it because you will feel like you can tell them anything, and they will help you.
Friends and Family
In addition to therapy, I highly recommend you rely on family and friends to help you. Your family, if they’ve been with you every step of the way, knows you better than any-one else and can be the hugs, shoulders, and feedback you need during this healing process. I’ve relied on just a few close friends over the years, and not only do they lovingly give me encouragement, but also they call me on my crap when needed. Now, I have my husband’s family members, and they are the family I never had. Be sure that you're leaning on those friends and family members who are encouraging, loving, and providing the positive support you need.
It's important to note that when you're ready to move forward, those around you might not be. They may still be mad at your ex or even like you single. My suggestion is simply this: if there are folks from whom you seek counsel, love, and support, make sure they are supportive of your healing and are ready for you to move forward. This isn’t the time to have a “frenemy” in the mix.
Coaches Create Space for Success
Finally, I recommend you seek the counsel of a life coach. As I've mentioned, your coach will keep you future-focus and moving forward, even as you deal with the after-effects of the past. I wrote about my experience of using them simultaneously in The Successful Single Mom.
There are divorce coaches, relationship coaches, and life coaches. I suggest you find the person who resonates with you, the person you feel has the right balance of "get moving" and "you need a hug" for you.
Choosing to have a great coach in your corner can accelerate your process, and your coaching will give you ambiguous feedback for just that purpose. Coaches are mercilessly results-oriented because coaching isn’t therapy. It’s personal-product development, with you being the person and product.
Get the Most out of Your Coach
Insist on complete confidentiality between your coach and you, meaning that all conversations are private and sacred. It should be part of the coaching agreement you sign. Your coach should not acknowledge you are a client to anyone else unless you give your permission. What you are doing, how you are doing, what you have accomplished, and your personal secrets are not discussed or even hinted at with anyone else. People may know you are working with a coach and may ask how you are doing. Your coach’s standard answer should be: “He/she is doing just fine.” (Period with no further comments or discussion.)
Insist on measurable goals. To ensure that your work with a coach doesn’t become an exercise in unproductive conversation, tie everything to your desired outcome. By itself, getting better personal relationships has no measurable benefit, but it’s a legitimate way to achieve a critical goal: "Go on three dates and practice stating my purpose for dating before I accept: the date."
Set tangible goals. This isn’t the time for stretch goals. Instead, aim for improvements that you know you can achieve. Most people aren't working on even half their cylinders. Don't strive for 100% improvement; 15% improvement is just fine.
When it comes to assessing your performance, ask your coach to be exhaustively honest with you. Some are not. Take these sound bites of coaches describing their role: “I just hold my client's hands,” says one. “I’m like a trusted family friend” says another, or "My job is to remind you, ‘your greatest strength is that you’re you.’”
You want to find a coach who isn’t afraid to use constructive criticism, tell you the truth, and shine a light where it needs shining. Coaches are at their best when they push you out of your comfort zone and don't let you back in.
Ask for a sample coaching session so you can get a feel for your coach's approach and style. See if you feel like how her energy combines with your energy to make you feel better, empowered, and ready to move forward. If it doesn’t, keep looking.
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