Christians need to be able to practice both submission and a righteous selfishness. Sometitnes I call it "selfness” because being selfish appears to be in direct conflict with the traditional Christian teachings of putting others first. We as Christians are indeed encouraged to be submissive. That is, we are encouraged to place our partners' needs and feelings ahead of our own. And submission is a significant part of a great sex life. Through submission, we honor our mates and nurture them unselfishly in ways they truly enjoy. We give as gifts sexual expressions they desire that are not as important to us.
But fulfilling sex also requires being selfish. If we are always other-focused and if we always repress or ignore our own needs, we forfeit complete sexual fulfillment. Intimate lovemaking is a partnership with both selfishness and un-selfishness. Great lovers know their own bodies and enjoy their sexual feelings.
The Bible often develops two principles that seem conflicting but actually are two balancing parts of a paradoxical concept. Some examples are law/grace, masculinity/femininity, bear your own burdens/bear one another's burdens, and unselfishness/selfishness. When we emphasize only one half of these balanced concepts, their effectiveness is diminished. We must add to submissiveness and unselfishness the complementary principles of self-esteem and selfishness.
Selfishness doesn't seem to get equal time in practical Christian training. Self-awareness and the assumption of personal responsibility are crucial to building a fun sexuality. The Bible commands us to "love your neighbor as yourself"(Mark 12:31 NKJW), and it states that "husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies"(Eph. 5:28 nkjv). These teachings are based on the idea of a healthy self-concept.
As Christians, we are accountable to God for creating a good sexual self-image and accepting ourselves without comparing ourselves to others. We are answerable individually to build a vibrant self-awareness and to learn to love and appreciate our bodies' potential for sensuality. As individuals, we are responsible for developing our own sexuality and celebrating love. We need to understand our own sexual needs and assertively fulfill them. God encourages personal responsibility for our lives, our bodies, and our sexuality.
Orgasms are an excellent example of healthy sexual selfishness. Your mate does not experience your orgasm. You focus on your sexual feelings and allow them to build to a climax. This is an intensely personal pleasure within your mind and body, and you selfishly let your mind enjoy the intensity of your excitement.
As so often happens in God's complementary principles, selfishness and unselfishness balance each other and create a more complete wholeness. You selfishly enjoy your orgasm but unselfishly allow your mate to observe how much pleasure your mate brings to you. Your partner is aroused by your personal excitement and intense experiencing of erotic release. This selfishness creates a mutual intimacy that is fun and bonding. Selfishness is indeed a great turn-on to you and your mate.
The question may be hovering in your mind: Isn't there a destructive, sinful way of misusing submission and selfishness? Any principle can be distorted and become destructive when not appropriately applied. Godly submission does not imply that you allow your mate to take advantage of you sexually while you passively build resentment. Putting the other's needs ahead of your own does not mean discounting yourneeds or ignoring them. Submission does not prevent a mate from being assertive and confronting behaviors or desires that are personally or relationally counterproductive, damaging, or unromantic.
The downside of selfishness is being egocentric and thinking the world revolves around your needs. This creates an unwillingness to empathize with another person's needs and lovingly satisfy them. Greed, insecurity, false pride, and laziness create a negative self-centeredness and play havoc with sexual intimacy. This destructive selfishness may be quite subtle and come under the guise of caretaking so you don't have to face dealing with your needs, or you may allow your mate to nurture you ("No, let me stroke you; don't worry about me). Or you may be a martyr and manipulate with guilt (I've got a headache—but if you need to"). Or you may be fragile or supersensitive ("I don't think I can ever be as sexy as you need,"or I’ll know it's been ten days, but you really hurt my feelings").
Here are two suggestions for minimizing destructive selfishness and submission:
1.Keep a godly balance of healthy selfishness and un-selfishness as you practice both. You must ask for your needs to be met and relish your sexual pleasure. You must submit your needs and give as loving gifts the things that your spouse needs. Opposites need to be balanced out, and you can make a mental note when the ledger is starting to get uneven. Be evenly selfish and submissive.
2.Work on your personal spiritual growth as you humbly become Christlike. God's Spirit can help you become mature with playfulness, love, honesty, gentleness, and positive assertiveness. He can grant you a positive, sexy self-image (see Chapter 16) with fun sensuality and a warm, nurturing spirit.
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