A wife may think her husband is supposed to know all about sex. or a couple may wonder why they are the only couple in the world whose sex life has not automatically fallen into place. After all, if making love is supposed to be such a natural thing, why are they struggling? The truth is that, like marriage in general, two unique male and female persons getting together will have differences. No matter how technically skilled they are, their sexual relationship will be a blending of two unique bodies and varying attitudes and needs—which will continue to vary over many years and different life tasks. Coaching is all about assertively expressing your sexual needs and feelings, learning to problemsolve in difficult areas, and helping your mate understand you. All couples have to gain skills in coaching, whether it is initiating and refusing sex or encouraging what you enjoy. Like other aspects of communication, these skills don't come naturally. You can't immediately know exactly all the things that pleasure your partner. Throughout the years together, the stresses of life, the aging process, children, and many other issues will give you new reasons for readjusting your sex life. This passage introduces how do you initiate and refuse sexual activity graciously, without feeling pressured or resorting to pouting.
Initiating and Refusing
Consider these comments：
"My husband is so uncreative in the way he approaches me for sex."
"Why is it that every time I turn him down, and it isn't that often, he pouts?"
"I would love for my mate to be more aggressive in initiat-ing sex."
"I love my wife, but I'm not always instantly ready to make love like she expects."
All successful lovers have to polish initiating and refusing. No couple is immune from some misunderstandings in this area of sexual communication and attitudes.
Think for a moment about what is at stake that makes initiating and refusing become so symbolic and filled witli disappointments and hurt feelings. First, initiating and re-fusing make one vulnerable to rejection and feelings of abandonment. Second, ineffective initiating attempts can make a person feel pushed, controlled, and treated like a sexual object Third, much of initiating is nonverbal and therefore open to misinterpretation. Fourth, initiating, or the lack thereof, becomes synonymous with sexual desire and sexual attractiveness. Fifth, initiating or refusing sex means coordinating two unique people with different needs and priorities on any given day or hour.
No wonder this is a loaded topic that must be discussed with both partners open to coaching! Great lovers take the time and energy to understand their mates and make changes.
TIME OUT:
Switch roles. Role-play being your mate and demonstrate how you would like him or her to initiate and refuse lovemaking. Remember you are not yourself but living in your mate's reality. Keep your partner's needs and attitudes in mind as you model initiating and refus-ing. In this positive way coach your mate on the things you appreciate and the things you would like to be eliminated. Practice both nonverbal and verbal techniques as you smooth the process and make it honest and loving.
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