Women. Are you beautiful?
Even asking that question has probably laid a whole pile of guilt at your feet. You feel ugly. You feel too big. You don't measure up.
And guys, you may look at your wife and think she's beautiful, but I can practically guarantee that she doesn't think so- Everywhere she turns she sees images that she'll never measure up to. And so she feels ugly. And when we women feel ugly, we feel distinctly unsexy. So today's challenge is going to be about helping her celebrate the skin she's in!
Let's look first at the root of the problem Women have always wanted to the Beauty", as John and Stasi Eldredge say in their book Captivating. Men tend to be the ones who pursue; women tend to be the ones who are pursued. And so we have to have something about us that is worth pursuing in order to feel sexy. So beauty becomes important.
Add to that our culture's obsession with sex outside of a committed relationship, and beauty takes on even more of an exaggerated importance when sex is taken outside of carriage, all that you have is physical attraction and so "sexiness" becomes of vital importance even if you're married, and you do value the other aspects of sex, our culture’s obsession with sexiness still impacts us.
Picture in your mind the covers of Maxim and Cosmo, for instance. Maxim is for men and Cosmo is for women. Maxim may be black and Cosmo pink, but other than that they’re pretty much the same. Both feature semi-naked women looking as if they're on the prowl. This ideal of supersexed voluptuous females has taken over.
Most of us, however, don't look like that. In fact, supermodels don't even look like that. They're all airbrushed. And so all women go through life feeling inferior. And when we don't feel sexy, it’s hard to feel in the mood. Part of feeling sexy is feeling comfortable in our own skin, and many women are so embarrassed and ashamed of our bodies that we do our utmost not to think about them. We hide them in oversized clothes, and try to ignore their cues. Anything that reminds us of our physical bodies also reminds us that we’re inadequate. That's why we women often become quite dissociated from our bodies. We don't want to feel fat.
One of the most frustrating things for my husband was when he would proposition me, and I would reply, “I just don’t feel attractive.” His response: ”1f I want you, you are, by definition, attractive!” He was attracted to me But I didn't feel attractive.
Here's today's question: given that supermodels are photoshopped, and that our whole culture's emphasis on beauty is overkill, are we going to allow our culture to set our sexual self-esteem? Are we going to allow our culture to make us feel ugly—and thus rob us of the pleasure we're supposed to feel in marriage?
Ladies, if you're like me, you're tired of all the negative messages coming out of our media about how we should look. But if you’re tired, then why not just say no? Tell yourself:
I will not let our culture dictate how I should think about my body. I was designed for pleasure—no matter what I look like—and I am going to feel it!
Ironically, as you embrace your body and accept it, it actually becomes easier to take care of it and lose some of the extra weight. Women who have more self-confidence have an easier time shedding pounds than those who don't. If you are packing an extra 60 or 80 pounds, then, the answer isn't to berate yourself about it. It’s to embrace the body you do have and have as much fun with it as you can Love your body, and you’ll treat it better.
Note for Men:
Now, a word to you men for a moment: I receive many emails from women who say to me,
My husband is upset that my body doesn't look like it did before I had kids. He tells me that he's not attracted to me anymore. He doesn't want to hurt me, but he feels like he should be honest. But I just can’t lose the weight. What do I do?
Men, maybe yourwife has gained some weight. She probably doesn't look like the women in movies or in magazines (although those women don’t look like that, either). So here's your choice: you can further demoralize her and wreck her self-esteem, which will cause her to flee from sex even more, or you can embrace her, show her you love her, show her you want to have a great time with her, and boost her self-esteem.
And studies show that women who appreciate their bodies have a much easier time losing weight than women who feel lousy about their bodies.
You are in a unique position to help your wife get over her insecurities and embrace her body. Will you do it?
Comment