Many of you reading this section who already have children are saying, “Who cares about a great sex life—how about any at all, or even a mediocre sex life?” In the Lovemaking Cycle, Christopher McCluskey stresses some of the key ingredients for creating quality lovemaking. Among these are privacy, energy, time, and initiation—all of which are hard to come by in the children years, which emphasizes the importance of planning ahead and being creative. Two other factors that can enhance the lovemaking of your child-filled marriage are simplicity and a willingness to live with imperfection.
I remember one marriage conference at which I was waxing eloquent about God giving marriages natural aphrodisiacs. I reminded couples that a vacation was a great example of when we often practiced needed skills that were aphrodisiacs, like intimate time alone and anticipating lovemaking. One couple in the audience raised their hands and told me, “Obviously you have never taken a vacation with three children under the age of six. We made love once in the bathroom and the three-year-old was pounding on the door throughout the last half of our intimate experience.”
Certain foundational elements of a fulfilling sex life are always important but very difficult to achieve with children in our lives. Let's consider the following six ingredients as they came to be applied in the lives of Alex and Jenny. They have four children: John, 3, Rebecca, 5, Al Junior, 8, and Krista, 10. They have been married fourteen years and love and respect each other. It’s a good marriage, but their sex life has taken some real work to maintain and enjoy in the children years.
Privacy
The privacy that Alex and Jenny missed was not just finding those moments alone to make love. They often longed for that connecting as lovers that they seemed to enjoy hourly on weekends before the children. They weren't prepared for the pervasiveness of children at first, and now with four, it was even harder.
It took Alex and Jenny a while to understand the importance of getting away from everyone and focusing on each other. Sometimes this was one hour at Starbucks or a walk in their neighborhood. Creating a baby-sitter network was crucial, and Jenny's moni was so helpful on those occasional outings.
They also took advantage of any private moments like time in the bathroom or waking up early in the morning when the children were still sleeping and they were fresher. Fortunately they could both be morning people. They attempted in these private moments to meet Alex's need for physical connection and activity as well as Jenny's desire for emotional closeness with some plain old cuddling.
Energy
Alex was always more high energy than Jenny, and now with the constant drain of the children, her energy was lower than usual. She had little left over and it became a quest for both of them to help her find the additional energy to make love. No easy answers presented themselves, but they fought through for more help for Jenny. Two children were less draining than four, so they would divide and conquer, with the oldest children sometimes going to a friend’s house. A portable crib made it easy on family and friends to keep the littlest ones for a few hours when possible.
Time
Alex and Jenny both hate to be scheduled and prefer sex to be more spontaneous. It was tough for them to come to the conclusion that there were optimal times and that often, if they didn't make love then, they might not for days. They worked around the kids' schedules with new rituals and romance. A cup of tea together after bedtime routines as they sat near each other on the couch became a wonderful ritual. Much-needed conversation and loving looks shared at the end of another day became a way to connect even without being sexual. They tried to go to bed together and share a few words and an embrace before exhaustedly falling asleep.
Initiation
Like many facets of a great sex life, even initiating is not as simple with children. Right after Al Jr. was born, Jenny scared Mexby telling him that she had not thought of sex in six weeks. With two babies in diapers, all her energy was put into mothering. They both decided to be more uninhibited and assertive in their initiating. They would grab those sudden moments of both being in the bathroom at the same time, or of the kids becoming mesmerized by a new video-tape.
Simplicity
Simplifying one’s lifestyle is not easy. Alex and Jenny had to learn to say no to new commitments and make their “no” stick. They avoided complicating relationships and Alex actually changed his job to lessen stress. They worked to set better boundaries with her parents concerning weekly visits. Jenny streamlined household chores and got the older children to help as much as possible. Choices were constantly made to create a gentler lifestyle that could include lovemaking. Some things had to go, others were put off, and corners were cut as simplify and streamline became their operative words.
Imperfection
A wise mentor once stated, “lf a job is worth doing, it is worth doing Poorly." Often in these years the choice is between not doing many important things at all, or completing them imperfectly. Jenny, even more than Alex, struggled with accepting second best and being comfortable with loose ends. She had to learn that if there were six household chores needing attention, two or three of them would have to be done halfway or quickly.
Alex accepted a B grade rather than an A in his graduate course and helped Jenny dust the visible places before company came over. Pizza got ordered for supper some nights, and the kids skipped baths occasionally, as Alex and Jenny slowly progressed beyond their discomfort with loose ends and learned to live with ambiguity and imperfection. They kept an eye on their big goals: a home with love and time for each other. Some of the lesser goals could be neglected.
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