As much as a couple might like it, spontaneous and exciting sex doesn't happen that often. It connects with personal and environmental factors. Spontaneity and variety are indispensable in improving your sex life quality. Consider this normal couple with two children. The husband's job is demanding and requires some travel, and the wife works part-time at a dentist's office. She doesn't start functioning until three cups of coffee and after a time to slowly wake herself in the mornings. The husband turns into a pumpkin at ten o'lock every night. The two boys are very active and demand their share of attention.
It does not take a marriage and sex therapist to see some problems plaguing this couple's sex life. You also have to throw into this equation that the wife is a perfectionist who needs structure and routines in her life, and is given to worry. The husband flies by the seat of his pants, is always late, and has a penchant for procrastinating. She is not known for her flexibility, nor he for his sensitivity. With some work, they actually ended up with a very active and fulfilling sex life as they learned to minimize the messy distractions.
Children
Chapter 19 deals more in depth with this fun nuisance in every parent's love life. I have never met a parent who could truly understand how much kids affect a sex life until they are into the experience. From the fatigue of early infancy, to the demands of an active toddler, to the interruptions of elementary days, to the late nights of the teenager—parents must deal with the confusing variable that children present to their lovemaking.
Personality Differences
One husband had a good friend to whom he could talk about anything. He had great discussions with his friend, vho had some of the same personality differences in his sex life. The friend was a morning person, too. They both loved vacations for the same reason. The friend said he had made agreement with his wife that once a month she would surprise him with a quickie in the morning before work. He in turn agreed that they would, at least once a month, have long, leisurely late-night session after a romantic date.
Both men comiserated that PMS was a real obstacle and necessary to negotiate around.
The friend was fussy and could get stuck in sexual routines without much spontaneity and variety. He and his wife tried once a week to make love using variety as their theme.
They would try different places, techniques, lengths of time, and loveplay. This challenged him and thrilled his wife, who grew weary of his need for controlled routine. With the first couple, it was interesting that though the wife was more controlled and structured, she could actually be more playful and adventurous in expressing feelings than her husband. He was the one who had to allow himself to truly enjoy the roller-coaster ride of feelings.
It helped this husband to talk to his friend. He got rid some of his self-pity and helplessness. He decided to become more proactive in minimizing personality differences with his wife; they were just a part of the sex life of any normal couple. He could become more passionate, and she could become more flexible. They could continue to seek compromises on issues, like being a night person versus a day person. He also fretted over basic gender differences and his need for more visual variety and her desire for erotic romanticism with extended loveplay. With creativity, they often came up with solutions that met the needs of both.
Timing
Any way she sliced it, however, the wife did not appreciate her husband's timing, and there were occasions she saw it as a big nuisance to take all of her clothes off again. Having sex without messing up her makeup and hair was very difficult. It wasn't that she minded getting sweaty and making love actively. But the mornings before work just weren't very convenient, and on weekends the boys interfered or the family was on the way to participate in some activity. As much as she enjoyed sex, she was surprised she thought that it was an inconvenience and how tough it was to increase the frequency.
The more you make love; the more you will make love. Busy couples don't have a choice but to structure times that they make sacred and reserve for lovemaking. This couple found a real solution with Saturday mornings, and they tried to seek out one weeknight that would work. They ended up having to plan a different night each week, but they decided on Sunday evenings which night it would be, when they knew their weekly schedules.
The husband found he could help his wife minimize the mess with more sensitive initiating, and he felt she became more adaptable. They sometimes made love without taking all their clothes off, or she would pleasure him to an orgasm and then take off on her errands. He learned to catch her earlier before she had taken her bath or was completely dressed. He helped her with chores and got her to come to bed earlier so they could make love before he conked out. It was a constant effort to work on timing and prioritizing sex in their busy schedules. Vacations really helped, and they did better in making quality time to connect and play sexually during the week.
Hygiene and Cleanup
The husband, in his hang-loose attitude toward life, did not always pay attention to whether he was shaved and showered. He slowly discovered that a freshly shaved face with cologne and a body smelling of soap made his wife feel romantic and special—He had to admit he associated many erotic memories with the smell of Irish Spring. Her favorite bubble bath was lilac seen ted, and she was much more open to sex after a leisurely soak. He never thought of her genital area as dirty in any way, but he appreciated its soft lilac fragrance after her bath.
Fortunately, they learned to talk and share openly with each other and express their needs concerning hygiene and personal sensitivities. She actually found active sex very stimulating, and perspiring with her man was exciting. She explained that in her mind, freshly brushed teeth and a quick shower showed respect and forethought to their love-making process. She also agreed that a spontaneous romp once in a while was fun.
The wife was on the pill and appreciated the freedom it gave her in making love. There was one time, though, when she envied her friend who used a diaphragm, and inserted it right before making love during her period. She thought about getting fitted for one just to make sex easier during that time of the month.
When they were first married, the wife had thought she would need to douche after sex or during her period to keep odors at a minimum. Her gynecologist told her that this would not be good for her vagina. It could upset the bacterial balance and make her prone to yeast infections; and it is actually unnecessary because the vagina is self-cleansing and some odors are just a part of sex and periods.
The biggest fight the couple had was over his irritating habit of jumping up immediately after ejaculation to run to the bathroom and wipe himself off. After he climaxed, she wanted him to lie there with her and feel close. Even after his erection went down, she did not want the after-glow interrupted. He said that he not only worried about dripping on the sheets but also assumed that she felt very uncomfortable. Usually, that would be true of his wife, but in reality very little semen leaked out. Basking in the warm, close connectedness overrode her need for tidiness, and she wanted her husband to lie still and hold her.
The compromise was really quite simple, and they felt a little silly later when thinking what a major issue it had become. They kept some tissues beside the bed. He could wipe off, and she could quickly place a couple between her legs without ruining the mood. She also bought some panty shields. After a quickie in the morning, she wore them as protection against any seepage during the day.
As the personal and environmental factors as above affect your lovemaking environment, you just try your best to make some adequate measures to improve your environment for a good high quality physical sexual life.
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