The science of kinky sex and how it relates to attraction is fascinating and indicates that it might go deeper than a simple preference for football or leather whips.
It turns out that some of us might actually be biologically predisposed to some sexual kinks, and couIdn’t help it if we tried. Neural mapping, the literal physical configuration of our brains, might explain, our proclivity for some sexual kinks, if not the brain structure, then the neurotransmitters might explain it. At least, those are two of the theories I will explore shortly.
What is the science of kinky sex and the cause behind some of our deepest and darkest desires? In this passage three distinct theories that have been set forth that attempt to explain why we like what we do.
Gross-Out Theory
The gross-out theory was put forth by Lehmiller, and essentially states that when people are sexually aroused, they care much less about anything else, including things that would detract from their sense of arousal. Notably, their disgust impulse is reduced.
In other words, when you are highly sexually aroused, you just want to get off or have an orgasm, and nothing besides pending bodily harm will throw you off that goal. Sounds about right to me. Sometimes you might inadvertently play with or stumble into things that would nonnally disgust you, such as feces, bodily fluids, or anal play. But then you realize that you didn’t mind it, or even liked it, so you continue to integrate it into your sex life.
I recall a story from a friend I won’t name who had recently broken his leg that epitomizes exactly how the gross-out theory works in real life. He was also newly single and had a hot date that he had to struggle to get to in his crutches. The date went well, and matters got hot and heavy back at her apartment later that night.
I received a call at 7:00AM the next morning from my friend begging me to come pick him up because he thought he had broken his leg again during vigorous sex.
Clearly; the gross-out theory applies in a wider sense as well.
Pain Theory
It hurts so good.
Decades of research in neuroscience have shown that neurotransmitters, the chemicals in our brain that help us process our external world, are used for multiple purposes. There are only so many neurotransmitters, and they are released in certain combinations and batches to influence how good or bad we feel.
It just so happens that most of the neurotransmitters involved in sexual pleasure and pain are the same, such as serotonin, dopamine, and adrenaline.
It's as if the external signals are processed and sent to the brain on the same highway. So if pain and sexual pleasure both independently release similar combinations of neurotransmitters in our brains, then it makes too much sense to just combine the two.
This would explain the origin of many aspects of kink,such as physical dominance, whips, chains, choking, spanking, and even autoerotic asphyxiation. People don't realize they are doing it not just for the direct physical pleasure, but also the release of sweet dopamine and serotonin in their brains.
One might suppose that the ever-popular rape fantasy also slots into this category. Rape play similarly releases adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin. This means that the pain in the Pain Theory doesn’t have to be actual physical pain. As long as there is the element of threat and anticipation of pain, it’s enough of a threat for the proper neurotransmitters to be released and work toward sexual arousal.
The Pain Theory and the Gross-Out Theory explain many of the kinks that are beyond the realm of many people’s understanding.
Subjective Normal Theory
The last theory to explain the appeal of kink and kinky sex derives from a study conducted by Meredith Chivers in 2014.
She gathered an all-female group of subjects and split them based on whether they were interested in BSDM (whips, chains, leather, and such) or not. Both groups watched two types of pornography: kinky and vanilla.
The women that were interested in BSDM had the same rate of vaginal blood flow as the non-kinky women who watched vanilla pornography. Likewise, when the kinky women watched vanilla porn, their blood flow did not increase at all.
This was a predictable result in some ways. People were aroused by what they indicated their preference was, but people were not aroused by what they were not interested in.
People just have different desires and concepts of what an arousing sexual encounter looks like, and aren't interested in other people’s concepts. This study suggests that there is nothing neurologically abnormal about people that have kinkier sexual desires than others.
Some people enjoy sour foods and some people love salty foods. In theory we are biologically the same, but we all have slight variations and these variations don’t mean our tongues are defective. Everyone has their subjective version of what’s normal and vanilla, even though it might be shocking and extreme to someone else.
So the fifth and final theory of what causes kink? It completely reframes what kink is-it's just a preference, and not an indication of anything suspicious or unbalanced.
Naturally, you might assume that having the same tastes in sexual kinks would ensure sexual compatibility, or at least overcome a huge hurdle to that, being that sexual incompatibility lists as a major and prevalent reason for broken relationships.
A recent study (de Jong & Reiss, 2014) proved that sexual compatibility isn't necessarily about liking the same kinks, though that obviously helps considerably.
The study surveyed what kind of sexual activities each member of a couple liked, as well as how much they thought their partner enjoyed those activities. In other words, this survey would be able to determine how similar a couple's sexual preferences were and how complementary they were. Finally, they were surveyed about the amount of satisfaction they had with their sex life.
Surprisingly, similarity and sharing the same kinks was not the largest predictor of sexual satisfaction in a couple.
Instead, the only consistent predictor was how complementary the sexual preferences were for a couple. In other words, there is more sexual satisfaction to be had if one person likes being tied up and the other enjoys doing the tying - complementary - than if both people enjoy being tied up - similarity.
It seems obvious when you lay it out as such, but it’s not so clear in practice. People categorize kink into large, general areas that don’t accurately portray what someone actually enjoys sexually. For example, if you show a sexual interest in feet, you might just want to worship someone else’s feet but never have anyone touch yours. There is a distinct difference between the two. Sexual compatibility is about having complementary kinks, not similar ones, which means that you should seek out a partner who can give you what you want and vice versa and not necessarily a partner who wants exactly what you want. Sometimes the two might overlap, and those are the most fortunate of circumstances.
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