The Sensate Kissing Exercise
Prepare for the exercise by creating a romantic environment in a location where you won't be interrupted. Shut off any electronic devices, perhaps light a candle or two. and play soft, romantic music that you both like. You may want to set a timer or have a clock nearby to keep track of how much time has passed, but don’t let it become a distraction.
With any of the stages, it’s not a problem if you go over time, but try not to short change yourself by cutting any of the stages short.
During this stage：
• Partners take turns
• No kisses using tongues
• No kisses using lips
• No kisses below the neck
• Focus on your senses and partner's feedback
During this stage, partners take turns. For example, if you spend 20 minutes here, for the first 10 minutes one partner initiates all the touching. The other partner sits or lays back and enjoys the attention while providing feedback about what feds good. Then partners trade places for the last 10 minutes.
With all the restrictions listed above how is it even possible to kiss? Of course it isn’t. But there are lots of other pleasurable ways to touch and this is your chance to spend time exploring those possibilities. The area around the head and neck has all sorts of tenderly sensitive flesh that can be brushed, rubbed, nuzzled and rested against. If your lips do happen to touch your partner as an incidental result of all this close contact that’s fine, but don’t actively engage them in the process.
When it's your turn to do the touching, encourage your partner to provide feedback about what feels good and what doesn't. Be responsive to their feedback, but also create a rich, sensual experience for yourself. This isn't usually an either or thing — what you find pleasurable your partner is likely to enjoy as well and vice versa. (Of course, If your partner expresses discomfort or unhappiness with a move you make that should always be listened to and respected.)
Throughout the exercise, increase your awareness by engaging all of your senses： touch, sight, sound and smell. (Taste is the one sense that probably won't come into play right now, but in later stages add it to your list of sensory pleasures.) Run your hands gently across your partner's skin, and explore the areas you find interesting and pleasurable. Take the time to really notice the different textures and contours: the soft yielding of their lips, the complex curves and ridges of their outer ear the silkiness of their hair. Don’t limit yourself to exploring with just your hands, though. With long, languid movements, lightly brush your nose, cheeks and chin against the various bony and soft places around your partner's head. As you do, take in the slightly musky scent of their skin, the sigh of air as they exhale, and the moist warmth of their breath. Nestle yourself against your partner's neck and luxuriate in its comforting warmth and the pulse of life just below the surface.
Keep in mind that in the early stages of this exercise the goal is not to turn each other on. Of course, you may get turned on anyways, and that is okay, but it should happen as a natural outcome of being close to one another, not as a conscious goal that you’re trying to achieve. Why? Because it’s much harder to lose yourself in an experience when you’re focused on some beyond-the-moment goal. By giving yourself permission to turn into the present, without any other object or pressure interfering with your focus, you’ll find it easier to share authentic, significant moments with your partner. When you develop a greater awareness of your senses daring close contact like this it provides a way to anchor yourself in the present, a skill that you can continue to use after the exercise is over.
During this stage
•Partners take turns
• May kiss using lips
•No lips touching lips
• No kisses using tongues
• No kisses below the neck
• Focus on your senses and partner’s feedback
At this stage, partners again take turns touching each other.Continue doing everything that you and your partner enjoyed during the first stage, but now also use your lips to explore from the top of your partner’s head to the base of their neck. As you kiss your partner the only location that's off limits is their lips. Instead, give your full attention to all the places that might get overlooked when your partner's lips are available.
During this stage：
• Mutual contact between partners
• Both partners provide feedback
• May kiss partner's lips
• No kisses using tongues
• No kisses below the neck
• Focus on your senses and partner’s feedback
From this stage on contact is mutual with both partner’s fully participating at the same time.While touching each other, both should provide feedback about what they find pleasurable. Continue doing everything that you and your partner enjoyed during the earlier stages, but now include kisses to the lips as well. Still no tongues, though.
During this stage：
• Mutual contact between partners
• Both partners provide feedback
• May kiss using tongues
• No deep French Kissing
• No kisses below the neck
• Focus on your senses and partner's feedback
Continue doing everything that you and your partner enjoyed during the earlier stages, but now bring your tongue into the action when you kiss your partner's face and neck. At this stage, however, deep French Kisses are still off limits. Tongues can touch, but only as much of the tip as you can comfortably extend outside of the mouth.
Stage Five (20 minutes)
During this stage：
• Mutual contact between partners
• May explore inside partner's mouth with tongue
• No kisses below the neck
• Focus on your senses and partner's feedback
Continue doing everything that you and your partner enjoyed during the earlier stages, but now tongues can be used to explore inside each other's mouth as well.
Stage Six (20 minutes)
During this stage：
• Back to pre-exercise level of intimacy
•Focus on your senses and partner’s feedback
Continue doing everything that you and your partner enjoyed during the earlier stages, but now you can also add in any intimate activities that were part of your relationship prior to the exercise.
If You Want To Know More
The goal of this one, short chapter on mindfulness isn't to turn you into an expert, but to get you started on the path to kissing with greater awareness and pleasure. I have only scratched the surface of the topic here, but even this basic information on mindfulness is enough to bring about very positive changes in the way a person kisses their partner.
If you’re interested in exploring the concept of mindfulness further, there are many excellent books and websites devoted to the topic. The book Wherever You Go, There You Are：Mindfulness Meditation In Everyday Life, is a good place to begin, written by medical professor Jon Kabat-Zinn in a dear, user-friendly style.
A Few Final Thoughts....
Kissing is a simple act filled with meaning and possibility. At its best it can bond us to another human being as few other experiences can. That's because when two people kiss it's not just two pairs of lips connecting, Not if it's a great kiss. Pressing our lips to another person isn't just a sideshow on the way to the main event. It is a main event in itself. It is one of life great pleasures. Approach kissing with that attitude and you will be able to create the sort of experience that you and your partner both deserve. Enjoy.
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