A Dynamic, Covenant Partnership Must Be Formed
The Bible describes the beauty and complexity of the marital companionship that creates the context for love-making. The loving, intimate relationship of you and your spouse is modeled after the relationship of God and His chosen people. A mature marital partnership truly fashions itself after redemption, in that you die to yourself and let go of any self-protectiveness. A covenant is formed. Marriage is not a simple contract but a deep vow and promise.
You create a bonded partnership in which you submit your will for the good of your mate. You become naked, nurturing, and safe with each other. Love is patient... It is not rude, it is not self-seeking ... It always protects, always trusts,always hopes, always perseveres" (1 Cor. 13:4-5, 7 Niv).
Your union is based on love, humility, gentleness, and trust.
Your trust is well founded because each of you reaches out and lovingly nurtures the other as carefully as you would watch out for your own body. In this union, you look honestly at your own rough edges and shortcomings and humbly try to change them. You choose to give as precious gifts the things that your mate desires and needs. It is a marvelous atmosphere for fun sexual relating and intimate connecting when this kind of tenderness, trust, genuine empathy, and cooperation abound.
I love the words nurture and connected, and I use them many times in this book. Great examples of nurturing are parents lovingly caring for their children or gardeners carefully watering and tending their plants. Mates lovingly nurture each other as well. You are connected with your mate in a way far more profound than the splicing together of two electric wires or the tying of two ropes. You are connected in a partnership that grows ever richer and deeper but takes constant attention and renewal. This is the concept of soul mates and of lovers cleaving together. Like steel being refined, a unique synthesis is created, and a profound connection is formed.
A wonderful synergistic dynamic can occur in marriage. The whole is much greater than the sum of its parts. Individuality, personal pleasure, and separate responsibility are not lost. In dying to self and becoming a one-flesh companion, each partner becomes stronger and achieves things that could not be accomplished alone. The two have the best of both worlds： they are a nurturing couple, and each flourishes as an individual. A totally unique and powerful partnership is created. From this unique relationship of marriage can come sexual enjoyment for both individuals, and as a couple. It will seem like one plus one equals four.
Reasonable, Biblical Expectations Must Be Incorporated
Most couples enter marriage with a variety of expectations about how it should be. Which of the following expectations did you bring into your marriage?
•You would never fight.
•The husband would automatically take the garbage out and vacuum.
•Your partner would never be attracted to anyone else.
•You would dinner together at the table most nights.
•Christmas Eve would be spent with your family—or with neither family.
•Money would be handled wisely, and there would be a joint checking account.
•Sex would fall into place easily
I can remember the couple who told me that if they could only let go of all their expectations, they would have a happy marriage. I asked them, “why get married if you don't expect anything from the relationship and your mate?" The task you face is not getting rid of all your expectations, but basing them realistically on biblical principles.
Here are ten reasonable desires based on God's economy for intimate companionship. May He give you wisdom and courage to make the changes you need within your partnership, because great sex flows from a great marriage. It may seem like strange advice, but the quality of your sex life may depend on turning off the television, picking a good fight, becoming independent of your parents, setting up a budget, or taking regular vacations.
1. Each of us will become a partner and soul mate offering unconditional love, understanding, and support. We will be best friends.
The LORD GOD said, "It is not good that man should be alone." (Gen. 2:18 NKJV)
Husbands...dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife... All of you be of one mind. (1 Peter 3:7-8 NKJV)
Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies... No one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it... And the two will become one flesh. (Eph. 5:28-29,3 1NIV)
A friend loves at all times,And a breather [mate] is born for adversity...But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother...(Prov. 17:17; 18:24 NIV)
In a boxing match, the boxer has in his corner a manager who is unconditionally committed to helping the fighter use his best sheets, encouraging him, correcting mistakes, taking care of any wounds and preparing him for maximumefficiency. Mates are each other's managers. Marriage is a safe retreat from the fight of daily living. You have an ally in your corner who will kiss your boo-boos and persist in supporting you. Someone who knows you better than anyone else in the world and still loves you.
An important part of cleaving together and becoming one flesh is being intimate companions. You become soul mates and best friends in marriage as you share your needs, your innermost feelings and desires, and your future goals. It is important to have a same-sex best friend, but your partner should also be a best friend. Both mates, and especially husbands, struggle with this—at times being too private and not disclosing needs and feelings to another. (Later on in the book, you'll learn the art of connecting conversation.)
2.Neither of us will expect the other to meet all of our needs or take sole responsibility for our personal happiness. We will give each other space to breathe and have a life.
"Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. (Phil. 2.12-13 NKJV)
Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. (Gal. 6:4-5 NIV)
Each of you must build support networks consisting of helpful friends and the Lord. Ultimately, you must rely on God because He is the only unfailing source of peace, purpose, and happiness. I remember the single person who came up to me after a conference and told me, “Dr. Rosenau, you are lucky to be married because you are never lonely and have instantly available sex.” I reassured him that married people get lonely because we can’t always be there for each other. I also told him I wasn't aware of that rule in marriage of instantly available sex, and I would have to tell my wife.
Your mate can meet your sexual needs, but you have many other needs that are impossible for one person to meet. You need a best friend of the same sex, supporting couple friendships, and fellowship groups. You will perhaps need tennis buddies, kindred political souls, good baby-sitters, efficient accountants, or surrogate grandparents.
You must also learn to nurture yourself and work out your own salvationas you become self-aware and confident. If you are insecure and possessive, you can smother your mate. Real love is free of fearful demands and gives breathing room for you and your mate to grow and experience life. You must work on your own happiness as you take responsibility to grow and experience contentment.
3.We will leave our fathers and mothers and create a new, independent, special family unit.
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. (Eph. 5:31 NIV)
Disentangling yourself financially and emotionally from your parents and family is important. Together, you and your mate are creating a new partnership and family. You cannot hold on to the need to run back to your parents for constant nurturing. You need to make a definite, symbolic statement that your spouse is your first priority. It is the husband who is specifically commanded to leave father and mother. It's difficult to learn the wisdom and maturity of gently separating from parents and making your marriage a special unit.
Sometimes this process of becoming independent and separate is called individuating. This needs to happen individually before it can happen as a couple. Sometimes with age and maturity comes the ability to do this more effectively. it does not mean either disrespecting your parents or never leaning on them for support. The act of leaving your parents makes your mate feel special and protected—a priority as you meet your mate's needs. It creates that new and unique partnership. If you are having trouble iindividuating from your parents, you will probably need to move awayfrom them geographically. You may also need to stay in a motel when you visit parents to give your partner a chance to regroup, to tell your parents you don’t want to hear your mate put down, or to expand your group of wise counselors and "sounding boards” beyond the scope of them alone.
4.We will have one healthy fight or disagreement a week. Confrontation concerning our unmet personal needs will be believed and not dismissed.
Correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. (2 Tim. 4:2 NIV)
Speaking the truth in love ... Therefore, putting away lying, “ let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor" ... Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. (Eph. 4;15,25-26NKJV)
For even if I made you sorry with my letter, I do not regret it. (2 Cor. 7:8 NKJV)
Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Heb. 12:11 NKJV)
Exhort one another daily . .. lest ariy of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. (Heb. 3： 13 NKJV)
Make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed . . . Look carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled. (Heb. 12:13, 15NKJV)
Disappointed expectations, frustrated needs, stored hurt, and retained anger create bitterness and distance and destroy intimacy. You as a couple have to have the courage for healthy conflict and confrontation. Learn conflict-resolution skills (see Chapters), practice forgiveness, and let go of hurt as you resolve differences.
Mates are unique individuals who will be incompatible in certain ways. Each of you is a strong person with a distinct personality, gender, and family. These differences can actually enhance your marriage. With good communication skills and the resolution to not let the sun go down on your anger, you will be able to work through these differences. Frequent confrontation and conflict resolve issues, whereas drawn-out disagreements or sitting on issues is more likely to create resentment and bitterness.
Courage and honesty are needed to deal immediately with disagreements. Healthy conflict that resolves issues and clears the air is an important discipline within intimate companionship. You should be humble and laving enough to hear your partner and believe what is being said, and your mate should be willing to do the same for you. Learn the skills to resolve issues so that you don’t repeat your fights over and over until someone leaves in frustration.
Don't attempt to use submission as an agent of change in your spouse's life. Loving rebuke and exhortation are God’s method for correcting harmful behaviors—not attempts to enforce submission. Work out a patient, logical, and kind plan of correction (and perhaps to your surprise) your spouse may humbly listen, agree, and make needed changes. Have at least one good disagreement or confrontation a week.
5.We will take regular vacations and iihoneymoonsn throughout our marriage as we mend and enhance our intimacy.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven ...
a time to tear down and a time to build ...
a time to mourn and a time to dance...
a time to search and a time to give up ...
a time to tear and a time to mend. (Eccl. 3： l, 3-4, 6-7NIV)
When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be chained with any business; he shall be free at home one year, and bring happiness to his wife. (Deut. 24:5 NKJV)
There should be some special time set aside for a honeymoon and more concentrated, focused time in that first year together. It is a time of adjusting and getting to know each other. Getting away is a great principle for all married couples, no matter how long they have been married. In Chapter 6, I will explain the importance of couples taking vacations and rejuvenating their companionship and sex life. They need time away from home and free of duties as they concentrate on bringing happiness to each other and renewing their friendship.
The marital plague of the twenty-first century will be overinvolvement and busyness. Trust me, as busy as you are, if you do not plan in vacations and spend money to revise your companionship, you will never have the intimacy you desire. You may need to plan for a babysitter and a date night every week or two, an overnight trip away from home, or a complete second honeymoon. Give yourself permission to budget time and money for your partnership. Reasonable expectation of your marriage makes for a fun friendship and quality playtime together.
6.We will use credit carefully as we become wise stewards of our finances.
Owe no one anything except to love one another. (Rom. 13:8 NKJV)
Then he who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and made another five talents ... His lord said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.n (Matt. 25:16,21 NKJV)
A great sex life is closely dependent on staying out of debt and learning to handle finances wisely. It makes sense that any stressors in a marriage will weaken intimacy and the desire to make love.
Christian financial counselor Ron Blue has this marvelously simple principle for couples who want to avoid financial stress： Spend less than you make. Financial counselors especially advise against spending excessive money on depreciating items like a car, clothes, or furniture. Not borrowing money certainly means not using credit cards as you create sound spending and budgeting habits. Learn to be self-disciplined in this realm, for effective stewardship of your finances will indeed help your sex life.
God requires of Christians sound thinking and self-discipline in all important areas of life that can tend to the destructiveness of excess： “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”(2 Tim. 1:7 NKJV). Do a quick reality check in your marriage. Are you being undisciplined and blocking a deeper intimacy in some area other than finances? Television? Children? Work? Parents? Friends? Hobbies? Sports? Get your act together or, like financial trouble, the stress will begin to have an impact on your marriage and your love life. It is amazing how couples improve their marriages simply by turning off the television or going to bed together.
7.My mate will be faithful and committed to me.
You shall not commit adultery. (Ex. 20： 14 NKJV)
A great marital partnership has room for only two people in it. Commitment is vital to intimate companionship, and the creation of good boundaries is irreplaceable for a fantastic marriage and sex life. Feeling safe and trusting are critical for being “naked and imashamed,” and these qualities are built on commitment.
Adulterate means “ to contaminate by adding a foreign substance or watering down a product.” You can adulterate your marital companionship in many ways other than by having a sexual affair. You can adulterate your marriage by overcommitting to work, children, or church. It is a valid desire and decision that mates avoid adulterating their marriage.
God's injunction of “you shall not commit adultery” is often portrayed in terms of a protective fence that guards the beautiful marital and sexual garden. So often we look at fences as something to jump so we can get to greener grass. Actually, the no-adultery fence is there so you can have the intimacy to create an unbelievable relationship within that enclosure—a deeper level of emotional and sexual connecting that can occur and flourish only in an intimate marriage. This barrier protects you from contaminating elements that can threaten the quality of your companion ship.
Faithfulness and commitment are interesting concepts. They are processes that create an exclusive partnership your mate. Some of the choices in mating are highly visibly and are special and easily remembered symbols of commitsment. The wedding vows are one, similar to the pillar Jacob erected in Bethel to serve as a reminder of God's promise and blessing (Gen. 28:18), other obvious choices are children, a home, a mortgage, stnd retirement planning.
Probably more important but less obvious are commitments to your mate that come in a series of daily choices.Every day when you say to yourself, “I have a mate” andrefuse to entertain thoughts about someone else, you are reaffirming your commitment. You are allowing sex to be rational and setting good boundaries as you choose to control your sexual impulses and preserve sexual integrity.
These little commitment choices to preserve and deepen intimacy pop up in all areas of marriage. It could mean calling off a lunch with a colleague, deciding whether to have that third child, going to a bed-and-breakfast for a weekend renewal, leaving work early, or buying that funny card and leaving it in the car for your spouse. It can be going to that marriage seminar, reading a book on sexual technique, apologizing for that unkind remark, or working harder to correct a personal character defect.
These choices are not always huge and obvious, but they create the glue that keeps a marriage and sexual relationship together. Daily you have to choose not to adulterate and water down your companionship. Daily you take those little steps that create the fences protecting your garden of fantastic intimacy and sexual pleasure. This is a reasonable expectation for a healthy marital relationship.
8. Either of us will be able to initiate marriage counseling, and the other will be willing to go. Our marriage will be constantly growing with individual and relational changes and intprovenients.
The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, but the mouth of fools feeds on foolishness. (Prov. 15:14 NKJV)
He who heeds the word wisely will find good. (Prov. 16:20 NKJV)
The sweetness of a man's friend gives delight by hearty counsel. (Prov. 27:9 NKJV)
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best. (Phil. 1:9-10 NIV)
Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. (Eph. 4:15 NIV)
In a humble, loving marital partnership, you want your mate to be happy and fulfilled. Wise counsel can be so critical. If an impasse occurs, either mate will be able and encouraged to initiate counseling with the appropriate wise person.
We don't marry someone to change him or her, but it is a reasonable expectation that we will continue to grow up together as we rub off our rough edges and overcome our skill and character deficits. A. great marriage and sex life is constantly growing and deepening.
Wise counsel is a fantastic source of marital enrichment. It may be a marriage counselor to learn better communication skills or a financial advisor to help set up an effective budget; it may be your pastor, to deal with confession and forgiveness, or a sex therapist to work on sexual problems.
9. We will have regular, satisfying sexual interaction.
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other. (1 Cor. 7:3-5 NIV)
A reasonable expectation in a good marriage is frequent and mutually fulfilling sexual activity. Each partner can expect help from the other to experience personal sexual satisfaction. It is realistic to desire and work toward intimacy-enhancing sexual cornpanionship that grows over the years sexual communication that is much more than just intercourse or orgasm.
It will require an investment by both mates to ensure time, provide variety, and avoid routine. It may also require some counseling to break through any difficulty：an inability of the wife to experience an orgasrn, an inability of the husband to achieve an erection, a wife’s or husband’s lack of desire, or other problems. Don’t put it off; these problems usually won’t go away but will get worse. If you are not enjoying regular, satisfying sexual interaction, get help!
10. We will enjoy a growing spiritual life together with prayer and Bible study.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach. (James 1:5 NKJV)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church . . . cleansing her by the washing with water through the word. (Eph. 5:25-26 NIV)
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly... Continue earnestly in prayer. (Col. 3:16; 4:2 NKJV)
Bible study and prayer enhance intimacy and allow you to become more Christlike. God is the author of intimacy, and keeping centered in Him is the beginning of wisdom and an intimate marriage. If you are humble and open, He will shine His truths wisdom, and love into your life and rela-tionships.
One husband was excited about a discovery he had made: Christians have the ability to be the best lovers in the world. He had read Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, selfcontrol” (NK/v). What a list of traits as a foundation for a great marriage and sex life! If you are filled with God's Spirit and living out these virtues, you will never be excelled as a marital partner or sexual lover. May God bless your lovemaking as you apply His principles for a great marriage and meet each other's realistic expectations within your partnership.
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