The Bible says you are to love your neighbor or your mate just as you love yourself. Fun sex depends on husbands and wives who have learned to love themselves. This means that you take care of your health and exercise your body to keep it in shape. You should also enjoy and accept the body God gave you. Self-acceptance, self-esteem, and a good body image are healthy parts of sexiness and Christian self-love (see Chapter 16). Think of how difficult it is to sexually focus on your mate when you are embarrassed, inhibited, or self-conscious.
Wives, our society really does a number on women in what is accepted as sexually appealing. I remember my female colleague who stated she was so frustrated that women's breasts seemed to come in only two sizes: too big or too smal. “Sexy” in a God-given sense is a state of mind and not the shape of our bodies or our weight. If you learn to accept your body and revel in your sexual feelings, your husband will follow suit and be tremendously turned on by you.
Psychological research has shown us that the people and things we are more familiar with, we tend to like more. People who live in the same apartment complex or go to church together seem to grow to like one another just by being in proximity with one another and sharing common things. As comfortable with seeing your body nude and allowing it to be in your thoughts without negative criticism, you will start to like it more.
Sometimes when you are in front of the mirror, you may want to dispute some of the negative messages going around in your head. Start by looking at a part of your body that you appreciate, and truly affirm that part: "My eyes are big and brown and quite striking." Now observe more closely parts you don't like and verbally make yourself accept them and say something affirming about them: "God gave me these thighs, and they are strong and support me in many things I enjoy doing." " My shoulders have changed at age forty-eight, but I still hit the softball well"
An important part of love is respecting and unconditionally accepting your mate. If you want to find and focus on flaws, you will put a damper on your partner's sexiness and the whole lovemaking process. Allowing your mind to become preoccupied with the size of body parts or sags is very destructive. You reap the benefit (or destructiveness if you stay obsessive) of nurturing and helping your lover revel in sexual appeal. Every time you affirm some particular aspect ofmasculinity or femininity that you admire and enjoy, you lovingly increase your mate's sex appeal.
It is such a growth-producing process when you are un-conditionally committed to accepting your own sexiness and affirming the sexiness of your partner. It creates the environment for a comfortable, safe, sexual-greenhouse, where playfulness and risk-taking blossom. Unconditional love and acceptance and affirmation set the temperature for some fantastic sex.
I like the word lover to describe your sexual partner. This is an important part of God's boundary and provision for great sex—one who loves within the commitment of an intimate marriage. Love creates trust so you can try new behaviors and risk appearing silly. Love produces warm excitement and fun companionship. Love helps you to remember and desire to meet your mate's needs. Learn to be a lover! The best sex is long-term, and love is the oil that keeps this type of lovemaking running smoothly.
Love is also gentle, kind, and forgiving as mates nurture each other. Mature love doesn't pout or harbor grudges and is able to reach out beyond your own needs—all vital for great sex. A great love life depends on allowing your mate to apologize and change. We will all do dumb things that can damage our lovemaking, and we need to be able to let go and move on. Mature love incorporates loving gestures that are nonsexual as well as sexual. Wives especially value hugs and caresses outside the bedroom, which build a loving ambiance and lay the groundwork for fun romance.
Practicing loving behaviors (unconditional acceptance, gentleness, forgiveness, meeting your mate's needs) produces strong, warm feelings of being in love. As you learn to love, your sexiness will increase.
Time Out: Stand nude in front of a full-length mirror. Now observe yourself and resist making any judgments. After observing a few minutes, start with your hair and proceed down to your feet, accepting and describing every one of your body parts with no negative judgments, such as:" This is my hair, and it is brown with a cowlick."
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