The phrase “It's not what you say, but how you say it” has rarely mattered more than with dirty talk. I can feed you the phrases to use (and I will later), but there are a few guidelines that we have to cover in the delivery of your dirty talk. Of course, part of this is practice and realizing what works for you and your partner.
Delivery is key for dirty talk because of the overall mood and tone you are seeking to cultivate.
Giggle attacks
First, we have to talk about giggling.
This is the first guideline for a reason. Everyone, me included, will occasionally suffer from giggle attacks from delivering dirty talk. There's not much I can say to prevent, but I can try to emphasize the mood-killing effect of it.
When you yourself giggle during the delivery of dirty talk, it potentially ruins the mood of the entire sexual experience.
Instead of having a transcendent set of orgasms, giggling imparts the mood of just fooling around and laughing... which is not how anyone would describe passion. The best orgasm you’ve ever had - I bet you weren’t laughing before it. The steamiest, hottest sex you’ve had - I bet jokes weren't a component. We're aiming for raw, primal passion, and a case of the giggles simply breaks that path.
The next time you’re on the verge of giggling during your delivery, just bite your tongue until the moment passes.
And giggling from receiving dirty talk from your partner? Now that's a crushing blow in two ways: to their confidence in their dirty talk skills, and to the mood that they are trying to cultivate. Avoid that at all costs. In the same vein, never criticize their dirty talk or make them feel bad about it until after the session.
Eye contact
Eye contact is a powerful tool in all walks of life, so it's only natural that it should be paired with expert dirty talk. Whenever possible, pair dirty talk with eye contact, regardless of whether you are receiving or delivering it. If you are in a situation (or position) in which you aren't facing each other at the moment but feel the need to deliver some dirty talk, take a moment's pause from whatever you doing, seek eye contact (or outright grab their face), and say it. It’s a power move that will enhance the words coming out of your mouth, and make your partner want you that much more... and return to the task at hand with renewed vigor and lust.
Whispering dirty talk into someone's ear from behind or from the front is one of the only acceptable times where eye contact would not necessarily enhance the phrases.
If you find that you have trouble with eye contact in general walks of life, I have a practice tip for you. Put on a pair of sunglasses, and take a stroll around your block. Make eye contact with people that you walk across with impunity, because they can’t see your eyes. It’s like viewing them through a one-way mirror! Notice how many people make only a spit-second of eye contact, or avoid it altogether.
This exercise is to realize that eye contact is easier than you think, and that other people also have trouble with it.
Fake it till you make it
As with many things in life, people will become comfortable with dirty talk only when they can sense that you are also comfortable with it. For example, if someone is extremely self-deprecating and depressed, that makes the people around him uncomfortable because they simply don't know how to react.
Dirty talk embodies that feeling of mutual comfort. If your partner can sense that you are uncomfortable with the things you are saying, it will diminish the experience and decrease their comfort and enjoyment levels intensely.
It’s unavoidable for us to 100% comfortable and confident in our dirty talk skills the first few times around, so my advice here is simply to fake that comfort and confidence until it becomes real. Whisper or demand things in a strong and clear tone of voice, and don't let on that you are way out of your comfort zone... because then you will take them out of theirs.
Don't utter something then ask if that was okay or embarrassing.
Own it
Whisper, state, demand, and scream confidently!
Background music fills the gaps.
Even though this is obviously a book on the virtues of dirty talk, I should make it clear that I'm not suggesting that your sexual encounters be like a Gilmore Girls episode - non-stop chatter and banter.
Playing music in the background will help reduce the need to fill the space with dirty chatter. It’s also a good intermediate step for beginners, as having the background noise will make novices less self-conscious about what they’re saying.
At first, turn the music on loudly so your partner will barely hear your words, but you get acclimated to using them during actual sex. Gradually turn the music volume down, and you’ve just gradually conditioned yourself to be less self-conscious with dirty talk.
On another note, playing background music during sex is great for setting the mood and tone of the sex itself... which will influence the type of dirty talk that you whip out.
Warm up then ramp up
Just like most sexual experiences, dirty talk should start more slow and tame... and then ramp up to dirty and downright filthy when the intensity of the sex picks up.
During any sexual encounter, there are necessary phases of arousal that we all go through. This is both a mental and physical process that culminates in an erection or adequate lubrication. Sometimes we go through it quickly and even skip a phase or two, but more often than not, we proceed through each stage methodically.
It's a time-tested process that heightens arousal and sets an individual's mood. If you are disturbed from that process that you are used to, you risk being taken out of the mood entirely.
You wouldn't try shoving your cock into her while she's barely wet, would you? You can't shove your mind cock into her brain pussy when it’s barely lubed up either.
Skew to using more tender and gentle dirty talk at first, and save your filthy mouth for later when your partner will be able to appreciate it the most. This segues into my next point nicely.
Calibrate to your partner
As I discussed before, everyone has their set pattern and phases of arousal that they go through during a sexual encounter. Some people go through them quickly and are ready for sex at the drop of a hat, while others are slow starts and might need 15 minutes of foreplay to truly get into the mood.
The same variance applies to the types of dirty talk that people like. Some like it sweet, and some like it rough. Some might feel degraded, and some might want more degrading. Some want to be your slave, and some want to dominate you with a choke collar. There’s nothing wrong with any of those - the only wrong thing is if you don’t figure out which style works best for you and your partner.
It's up to you to discover you and your partner's optimal blend of dirty talk, and the easiest way to do so is to use a wide variety of dirty talk phrases and pay attention to your partner's verbal and non-verbal response. That will help you determine what really makes sparks fly, and what your go-tos should be.
Be careful with degrading dirty talk, as it has been shown to sometimes make women feel more emotionally distant from their partners, which is of course the opposite effect you want to have.
A final important part of calibrating to your partner is having a post-mortem discussion about what went well, what you each liked, and what should never be used again. Unsurprisingly, communication is key!
Just moan, damn it
If you're having sex right, sometimes you won't have a clear enough head to even form words in your mind.
So in lieu of dirty talk, oftentimes you should make an effort to moan and react effectively to your partner's actions. Any type of vocalization is going to enhance the experience, and sometimes a primal series of moans and whimpers can get the point across more succinctly and clearly than a well-placed “I want you inside of me.”
Focusing on reacting will make you more present and in the moment with the experience, while some dirty talk practitioners can become slightly distant because they are focused on thinking about the next phrase to whisper.
Again, this is a good intermediate step for beginners to small talk. Simply breaking the sound barrier can be transformative, and moans and groans are easier to let slip and test the waters than dirty talk.
Finally, as I mentioned before, you don't actually have to respond to the questions that your partner might ask you during dirty talk.
“You like that?” “'Why, yes, I enjoy it very much, thanks.”
A lot of them are rhetorical in nature, and don’t need a response for the intended effect. But you could always moan in acknowledgement, which would be a good way to get your feet wet, as well as show your appreciation of their dirty talk.
And now, finally what you’ve been waiting for. When most people want to learn about dirty talk, I find that they usually just want exact creative and sexy phrases that they can borrow. I have no problem with this, as I’ve learned many phrases from others as well.
We all need a baseline to start with before we can really discover our true dirty talk personality and character.
General guidelines
1. Describe how they are making you feel by what they are doing to you in
that moment. Make it personal, that they are the ones affecting you and only them.
2. Direct them - command, ask, beg, demand, or plead. Also, add “please” to many dirty talk phrases.
3. Narrate your actions. Tell them what you are doing, or what you are going to do to them.
4. Praise them. Be specific, and focus on their physical attributes. Many people’s self-esteem is wrapped up in their physical appearance, so if you praise them, you are simultaneously building their confidence as well as dirty talking. When someone is mere confident about their body and has high self-esteem, they’ll be more likely to explore new thing and be open - this can only work in your favor.
5. Talk in terms of possessions. You are hers, she is yours. Your cock is hers, her pussy is yours. Etc.
6. You don’t have to actually answer a question they pose in their dirty talk. Many are rhetorical. As long as you acknowledge it or even moan to it, that is sufficient.
As you’ll see, these six guidelines will be present in almost of all the dirty talk phrases I give you in this article. Master these rules and find out your best way to show what you want to do with your partner.
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