Beginning goals may be to choose when during the week and when during the weekend you are going to make love, and then to set that time aside as sacred to each of you. As busy as your schedules are, if you don’ft find your optimal times and structure in making love, you will have sex about once a month. And you do not have to destroy your spontaneity. Goal setting is simply the inner structure and doesn’t have to dampen excitement and creativity.
Sexual goals involve more than frequency. They should also deal with the quality of your lovemaking and the quality of your intimate companionship. Goals may include reading at least a chapter a month in a book on sex, each mate initiating one new technique or idea as a contribution to creativity and variety, scheduling regular vacation times, and planning new things for the lovemaking. Goals need to be：
1.Specific. "We will make love more often” is not an effective goal. It must be more specific and include behavioral steps so you can tell if you have accomplished it. “We will have the kids in bed by 9:00 P.M. on Tuesday and make love immediately before doing any chores” is specific and measurable. Having a quickie once in a while is not specific enough for the busy couple. You can allow for spontaneity and yet still be more specific: “Wednesday and Friday mornings I don't have to go to work as early. I would enjoy making love a couple of times a month on these days. If it's okay with you, since I am a morning person, I will initiate and get the birth control ready.”
2.Realistic and attainable. Goals should take small steps as mates start to make changes so they won't be overwhelm-ing. Goals that are not reasonable and do not consider time, energy, and money demands will quickly be sabotaged. “We will make love four times a week” or “let’s redecorate the bedroom” may be too optimistic. “let’s get some new sheets and some scented candles” or “let’s make love on Saturday mornings” may be more realistic.
3.Scheduled. If you don’t give your goals specific time guidelines, you may not accomplish them. Scheduling includes not only when you will do something but also when you will begin doing it and how long you will try to keep doing it. “let’s try to be r^ore creative in our lovemaking” is neither specific enough nor is it scheduled. This goal will probably never be accomplished, or it may be done sporadically. Effective scheduling would redefine this goal. “Each of us will read about and incorporate one new idea into our lovemaking each month, starting in September.”
Goal setting takes negotiating and much thoughtful introspection and prayer. Each of you may want to think through what is important sexually and then discuss it. You may need to do this on a weekend away with time for discus-sion. In doing so, you are wisely committing to nurture your marital companionship and sex life.
4.Prioritized. It is not enough to have goals that are specific, realistic, and scheduled. You as a couple will have to consciously choose to take them a priority and follow through on them. Some of you who are reading this book
Haven’t had sex in months or years, or your lovemaking is the main point of conflict in an otherwise great marriage. Change won't be easy. Here are some ways to make your sexual goals a priority that will help you accomplish them over the long haul：
•Choose a limited number of goals and make them baby steps. (Example: ,We will have sexual closeness once a week on Sunday afternoon.”)
•Mutually explore and acknowledge the vital importance of your selected goals, and then covenant together to follow through on them. (Example: l am sorry for our sexual deficits. I will pray daily, and we will lift up this request every time we say grace over meals.”)
•Create individual and marital attitudes that will support your goals. (Example: “I will hug my mate three times every day and do one thing each day that might make him or her want to make love.”)
•Establish a lifestyle conducive to accomplishing the goals. (Example: “We will create a great baby-sitting net-work.”)
•Set up specific behaviors that you flag as warning signals when your goals are being sabotaged. (Example: Neither of us can cancel a vacation without a long discussion and another time being agreed upon.”)
Time Out: Negotiate together how many times a week you would like to make love. Be specific and realistic. Schedule definite days and hours. This internal structure will help you be spontaneous, creative, and playful. How might you both sabotage this scheduled time and not keep it sacred?
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