When people are stepping into middle age, we’re confronting with more and more pressure. For middle aged people, on one hand, they have to take good care of their children; on the other hand, their parents are becoming old and they have to take respective responsibilities. Life will just go on and we need to learn to let ashes to ashes and dust to dust after we try our best. Torturing by bad feelings or memories about bad feelings will just waste our energy and life.
Since graduating from my university with my master degree, I had been burdened with high pressure often. On one hand, I had to strive hard in my working position to earn more money, so that I can share some burden to pay off the debts on our new house with my husband. On the other hand, I have to confront with the situation that my parents are stepping into their 60 years old and their health is deteriorating.
My mum is a traditional mother who is always sacrificing herself for others but cared little about herself. She helped my grandma to nurse her younger brothers (later my uncles) before she got married with my dad. Since her marriage with my father, her most time had been occupied by nursing her three kids: my two eld brothers and me. I thought she might be able to have a rest with herself in her old age. However, she still helped my brothers to take care of their children. Sacrificing for so much, she had experienced both happiness and much grievance in her heart. Those of her grievance finally broke out when I was going to step into my marriage. My parents’ relationship showed problems and I was not very aware of it. By the time I was aware of it, my emotion nearly get out of control.
Like a mother, like a daughter. How my mum behaves in her early life has affected growth of myself a lot. As I was more close to her due to my weak health condition in childhood time and being the youngest among all my siblings, I was affected by her more compared with my two brothers. Much of her grievance had been vented on me in an inappropriate way which lead me to think that she didn’t love me as much as she loved my two brothers. Such her kind of attitude towards me in my childhood time had reflected on myself when I stepped out of college to fight for life of my own. I was not confident enough and not open enough to embrace reasonable kindness from others. I was even not good enough to myself when I was hurt by others’ bad attitudes or words. Sometimes I was even a little too sensitive to strangers. All these had been fully reflected in my graduate study life, especially during the period when I was studying abroad.
We human beings tend to remember those hurts more deeply and forget about the happy times we’ve ever had. I remember one time I was very happy when my father was back home bring a bag of loquat fruit as it was the first time I ate loquat fruit. I was even onced touched into tears when my mother picked up a bag of waxberry for me before I went to school on a Sunday afternoon. Those times of experience of happiness from enjoying delicious food had never appear again because later I was indulged by too much pressure and bad feelings since my high school time when my uncle was treated to have cancer because by then I was even more affected by my mother’s emotions.
I did not behave well since high school time and had been lonely and gloomy always. I just learned more about my own feelings when I stepped into college. After graduation from my undergraduate life, I was more strong about my own feelings when I started my own career life and began my graduate study life again. When I met Peter, my current husband, I began to be more generous about myself and learn to love myself more.
I appreciate Peter a lot as he has brought lots of positive energy and happiness in my life. Different from me, Peter is still an optimistic person after experiencing a tragedy in his family. He had even become more brave and independent. Occassionally he may also doubt about significane about life, but every time I am not in so good condition, he will encourage me and ready to be with me.
From Peter and my previous life process, I realize that we need to step life boldly forward by letting ashes to ashes and dust to dust after we try our best.
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